Have you ever gone to say something to someone and you just didn’t get the positive result you expected? Bummer.
Have you ever had someone say something to you and it just hit you right in the gut? Ouch!
We’ve all done this, felt this. I know I have.
Words can cut like knives through the heart and soul of any man, woman or child, no matter what age.
And yet research says that only 7 percent of our communication is verbal! Wow, so if that’s the case, it’s a small but punchy 7 percent.
Why is that?
Well, our brain has a very important function of sifting information, even while we are not aware of it.
The brain has an ability to delete, distort or generalise information according to our emotions at the time, and our past experiences. It is both highly sophisticated and yet simple at the same time.
For example, when a statement is heard, the brain goes into making pictures. The best example of this is saying to a child “Don’t spill the milk”. The child, or adult, makes the picture of “spilling the milk”. Or, “Don’t think of an elephant” … well we all think of an elephant or make a picture of one, don’t we?
So if you say to your partner “Don’t talk to me in that angry voice!” and you add a little bit of heat to it (well, why not, you are on a roll!), all they will hear is ‘angry voice’, along with the energy behind it, and the most likely response will be defence… “I’m NOT talking to you in an angry voice!” and so on and so on… you know how it is…and down that rabbit hole you go.
Instead if you were able to take a breath and say something like, “I can’t hear you when you speak to me in that way”. This is a far more diffusive response than the previous one.
Or if you were used to accessing feelings easily, you might even say “I’m scared when you speak to me in that way”.
What this second response is saying is, “I want to hear you and I cannot hear you properly if you speak in this way”.
Both these two alternative responses bring you back into you, back to your own experience, back to being present, rather than escalating the situation into yet another possible drama… and the possibility of a more loving relationship.
And this is only 7 percent of the story! I will share more about the other 93 percent soon here in this newsletter.
And, if you are LOCAL TO THE SUNNY COAST or Brisbane and would like to hear directly from me about how to transform your communication and get the whole 100 percent – please come along to my one hour presentation of ‘Communicate or Disintegrate’ at Annie Clarks’ Art of Wellness event in Cooroy Library on October 1st. from 9.30 to 4.30 pm. You’ll get to hear four other speakers speaking on wellness as well.
Tickets are $295 and only $195 if you mention my name and pay before Wednesday 29th Sept. How great is that!
Reserve your seat ONLINE at www.bewell.com.au or phone Anne Clark on 0402 166 187.